The chaos storm in my head
There is never room for anyone to sit in my car. It drives me slightly mad. Heaps of clothing, a lap top, bags of martial arts equipment, boxes of marketing materials for one of too many projects litter everything but the driver's seat and there is even spill over into that sanctuary for my bum on occasion. It drives me slightly mad as i said. The idea, indeed the dream of enough time to actually clean it out seems nigh impossible. It is the same as i watch the miles click over the due date for an oil change, 1000, 2000, 3000 extra miles. There is no time for any of these small maintenance things that make one feel civilized and functional. The same is true of my room.
I do not know how i always wind up here, but i do. I am not sure why i can not say no to a project or how office work became such a part of my life. It is really not in my skill set and it makes me angry to do. I think that it is too much for one brain. I also find it really annoying when i suggest that and then people tell me that it is not really stressful or ask me why. Maybe i am just not as resilient as you, maybe i am a failure, but truth of the matter is, it is highly highly stressful. My mind and thinking does not function like that. I remember when working as a waiter standing at the computer screen to input orders and nearly hyperventilating worried that i had forgotten someone's drink and fearing that someone would ask me a question and make the reason i was standing at the screen be completely gone from thought. This time period is like that but at all times. There is so much. I live in constant fear that i will forget something. I spend April to June on a yearly basis now not being able to sleep. As i lay there at day's end, alone with my thoughts, certain things that need to be done flood over me like a storm. Sleep does not come. Sometimes i have to get up and make a note of it to get beyond. For the most part i lay there completely awake. When i finally do sleep and manage the hour or two that i am apparently allotted, my body goes into full rebellion, cursing the idea of getting up and going to play positive with people.
The thing that really bothers me is that i know better. "In a hundred years we will all be dead." "Hoka Hey - it is a good day to die." I have said these things, to me a blessing, meaning that you should enjoy your life and live each day to the fullest, and that these things we stress about do not really matter. I have become a slave to the day however and the planet load of stress and the moons of stress that orbit it seeming too large a weight to carry around. I know that these things are not what is important. My grandmother is going to be turning 90 soon. Will i be able to see her before she is gone? There is a woman i love in South Dakota that i messed up with because of what i am writing here and other reasons. I do not go to her though, i continue to trudge through this mess. It is a trap of my own devise and my inability to say no.
There needs to be a reckoning. What is the effect of this lament? I am not trying to whine to the world, i see a problem though and i need to find a way through it. Office manager and marketing guy is not what i am good at and it makes my skin crawl. Teaching people the martial arts, being a philosopher, teaching people to be a hero and an adventurer is where my value lies and i think that is what i am supposed to be doing. I would love to be able to be there for my friends and family, but what i am there for is office work and emails. That needs to happen. Is this constant push, this living life at a dead run worth it? It certainly is not economically. I could work more working minimum wage at McDonald's and with that job the greatest benefit would be that i could go home and not worry about it.
Let's see if i can be the adventurer i tell everyone else to be and affect change in this life time.