Friday, January 15, 2016

We are all a mess

"What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world. The paragon of animals. And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?" ~William Shakespeare

It is so easy sometimes to look at the issues of others and wonder why they don't just get over it. Sometimes they even tell you they know what the problem is and it looks so simple from the outside and we get frustrated or turn our backs because they should really just stop doing what they are doing that hurts them or move on or get over it. Just that simple. But then, then we come across some of our own demons and our issues and if we are honest we realize that we have those issues too and it is not that simple. We are all flawed and have our things that are so ingrained in our beings that they seem like a part of us and we cannot ever imagine ever going past them. We don't even try because looking in the face of our own demons and admitting the flaws that define us is not something we like to do. I don't let people get close. I know i do this and that it is silly but i do it anyway. Logically i can tell you how silly it is but in the thick of it i have a thousand mechanisms to keep people on the outside.

We all have something. We have all been hurt and made promises to ourselves throughout our lives that make us keep doing the same things to ourselves over and over and over again. Sometimes we let people hurt us, berate us or strike us because we somehow feel that we need to be punished because of our flaws. Sometimes we push those who love us away because we don't even want to look at our own dark side, let alone let someone gaze openly into our abyss. Sometimes we make whatever excuses we can to drive off all of those that try to love us because inside of us their is a child that is insecure and believes that this amazing person could not possibly love me because i am not worthy of love with all of my flaws and failings. It is often easier to drive good people away and leave a wreck among our friends and relationships because we do not want to risk rejection. It is often easier to seek the fix of a new relationship than to work on and maintain one that has grown and nurtured us because many of us feel like we are not worthy of nurture. Many times it is easier to blindly follow a set of ideas than to open our minds to something new. We can rage and anger and stand behind a fortress of our own devise to protect our need to be right. We can become frustrated and pout to our friends when things don't go just the way we want even in things that in the grand scope of everything do not really matter. We often times cannot escape the grasp of our issues because in some deep and primal way, it feels like an essential part of who we are. We cannot imagine any place outside of the darkness and the negativity and the self doubt and the anger and the sadness.

This is the conundrum of our species and an irony of our nature. We are so advanced in our thinking and thoughts that we get in our own way. Our consciousness shuts us down and sends us to the bottle or to therapy. We believe the darkness. But there is also the light. It is easy to spiral onto a wave that tells you a beautiful life with love and friendship and health is not possible. But that is not the case. It is possible to face down our demons and move on. Sometimes i am there. Sometimes i look out at a river in the middle of the night in a cool winter rain and realize that it is all going to be all right. We are all the same and part of something that flows through all of us. When we are quiet sometimes we can hear the hum of the universe telling us it is going to be OK. Health is possible. It is rarely where we think it is going to be or down a path that we expected but it is possible for all of us; we small, small apes walking about this beautiful green and blue ball hurtling through space, to find peace and move in tune with the rhythms of everything. Truth is we do it anyway, there is really no other choice. It is only in our consciousness that we think forces conspire against us and all is sickness and pain. In the grand scope of everything, the great dance goes on.

But the truth is, in some ways at least, we are all a mess. I have seen beautiful amazing people that i care deeply about in the throes of it and they have taught me it is not a matter of just getting over it. I have been in that spiral myself and when you are there, it is not an easy task to climb your way out of it. Remember this. We are all a mess. There are no easy fixes. Sometimes love has to be tough and if we want to help we do not have to coddle, but do not believe that these things are just easy to throw off like an old jacket.

Also remember this, the most valuable things in life are the most difficult and i have also seen people who have clawed their way through and past their insecurities and these are some of the most powerful people i have ever met. We are all a mess... and what lies beyond that mess, through it, understanding it and not letting it control you... is something wonderful.

I write this because i want you to know i feel it too. Just because i do not understand your particular issue does not mean that i do not have my own. I am sorry if you have ever felt unheard or disregarded. I have been there where you are and i think when people are honest most of us have as well. Our own things feel real to us because they are our things. But yours is real too, and if you are reading this and you know what i am talking about, i am sorry if there has ever been a case where you were not heard or cared about. You are so, so worthy of love, each of you reading this.