Thursday, October 28, 2010

To do when i grow up...

That is a good question. Realizing in the past couple of weeks that i really am not set in what it is that i want to do with my life. This could be a terrifying thing, if i participated in stuff like age and caring about what politicians and the Norm told me i am supposed to do. But, i actually find it pretty liberating. I remember at a meeting at the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire with Kate Ramsey when i was in the pro cast, we were supposed to come up with our goals for the season. I told her that i do not really do that, i tend to be in the moment. I am proud of her that she accepted that and remarked on how that was how i work and that she thought it was OK. Most people in her position could find that uncomforting but she rolled with it.

I feel like we as a people in our culture are never comfortable with being where we are. Everything is based on perpetual growth. If the economy is not growing we freak out. Where does this all end? If we grow forever we eventually eat the planet. Maybe we need to sit back and stop making so many goals, start embracing the moment a little bit and being happy where we are.

I am still mostly a taoist i think.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Verge, Part II

So major life realizations happen sometimes. Periodically the clouds clear away from the face of Eternity and you see and understand. Often times, it is brief. That is how it has been for all of those times i have stood on the edge of enlightenment, eventually the clouds return before full realization sets in. I have had a big one in the past couple of weeks.

I have always had a hard time with relationships and have never really figured out why. I get so swept away and then eventually get to where i need to move on and escape. That could be just a male fear of commitment thing and i think that has a little bit to do with it, but it is more than that and i had a big flash of insight the other day as i was getting in the shower.

I have always described how i feel in relationships thus: i feel that there is something calling to me, just below my level of conscious awareness, a nagging feeling that i need to be doing something in my life. Is it a destiny or fate? I am not certain. The early parts of a relationship always make that voice shut up for a little while. The relationship becomes this awesome all consuming thing. After awhile though, when you get past the initial stages, the little voice from out of the wilderness begins to nag again. "Hey buddy, me again, let's get back to work on this other thing you can't really describe." Usually at that point, i will shortly be gone.

The realization that i had the other day was this: My relationships are not the most important thing in my life. Being with someone, by itself, is not going to give me meaning and happiness in my life. This sounds very simple but it explained so much for me. I think there are people who can have their relationships be the only center of their lives, but i can not. The spiritual quest for me, my martial arts training, finding ways to help the world around me, these are the things that make me happy and make up who i am as a person. Without those things, i can not be happy in a relationship with someone or without.

I think what sort of happens is that in the beginning i put all of my attention on the person i am with. After awhile when some comfort sets in, i start working on those other things. The level of attention drops somewhat from what my partner has come to expect in the beginning. This is not because there is a problem, but it is noticeable and can come across as a problem to the person i am with. I try to reassure them and at first it is really OK. They still feel the difference though and continue to ask. I continue to try and convince them all is well and after awhile i start to get to feel slightly trapped. The issues with the relationship, which were mild in the beginning gradually begin to take up more and more of the time and effort of the relationship until i feel like the relationship is consuming everything. I also have a hard time talking about it all the time.

This is a cycle caused by my issues that has caused most of the relationships i have been in to end. I have been with a lot of amazing people, very few of them would ever want me to give up who i am. I feel that knowing this is a giant weight off my shoulders because it really explains so much of the things that give me stress in a relationship. I also feel it gives me an ability to understand and explain what is going on with me and not just feel guilty about it.

This being said, i do need to figure out what exactly it is that i should be doing. Sometimes people who preach talk about having "the Call." I feel like there is a Call for me to do something. I saw a friend in PA on the weekend who told me i looked exactly like i did when she came to the faire in high school in 1998. In many ways, i really feel like i have conquered the age thing (that is for another blog) and now i need to figure out what i am going to do with that power.

I feel i am still on the verge, the verge of a next evolution for me, one that could be amazing for myself and those around me. Just have to avoid getting complacent and really work it out.