Saturday, February 5, 2011
I have started a crazy task. Got the idea from reading Carlos Castaneda. He called it recapitulation. You know when they say that your whole life flashes before your eyes when you die. Well, it is like doing that but before and without the whole dying thing, at least for some time we hope. Anyone who comes into my room right now will probably think i am a bit of a lunatic and have gone off the deep end. I guess i have in a lot of ways. There is, for example a seventy five foot long time line of my life wrapped around the walls. It is powerful and heavy stuff. Very emotional and draining.
The idea is to see patterns, for me it is especially with relationships. I have never been able to figure out exactly what i am looking for in relationships and it has left a lot of people hurting in my wake. I do not want to do that anymore. I am more tired of it than anyone and it is really time to move on. I am fortunate that i have about twenty years worth of journals, written in almost every day so it is slightly easier for me to get into the mindset of what i was thinking and relive those experiences.
There are definitely patterns, patterns that make me not very happy with myself. I have done many of the same things over and over again. It is time to figure out why, look at them, boldly and honestly and see what the hell is going on and really dig into what it is that drives me to these things. I feel that any time i have been in a relationship i have been looking for a way out, and when i am not in a relationship i am looking for a way in. I do not know if this is because i like the thrill of the chase, am a new relationship addict, am a polyamourist, or just a player douche bag. I do not think it is the last, because i do genuinely become devastated at the idea or action of seeing my actions hurt anyone.
When i look back at my past relationships and just what i was writing about through my journals, i see two different people. One of them is this person who has a pretty good idea of himself in the world, of a relationship with the universe and the earth and a pretty well thought out philosophy that served him well. The other is a guy i want to smack in the face. Early in college i would be talking about how much i really liked at least three different people and then get mad because girls always go for the jerk guy and not nice guys like me. I can not believe that i did not see the irony of that as i was writing about. By the way, the talk of three people at once was all in one days' entry. This has been the area that has always been the Achilles heel for me. It is time to do something about it.
I know this is really hard for Bethany right now. I need to work my way through this before i will ever have a successful relationship that will stand the test of time. I could do like i always do and pretend it is not a problem, but that would not solve anything. Even though it is hard now, she deserves to know whatever it is that i find out about myself. There has never been anyone before who has made me stare this thing in the face. That is how amazing she is. I am very thankful that she is in my life. She saved me once before from a life that i was really not enjoying and i think that she i going to save me again, because i think this time i am going to come to grips with whatever is going on inside my head. If i do, i will owe that to her and the amazing person that she is.