Friday, September 30, 2011

Let's be "friends"

John Williams and i have been giving out a lot of relationship advice lately. I know, many of my ex's are saying, "What in the Hell makes you think you are qualified to be doing this?" So true, i am not in any way claiming i have been able to apply any of this advice to my life. But it is very clear when looking at what is going on with other people to understand what is going on with them, and many people have benefitted greatly from what we have had to put out there. That being said and with all apologies to those awesome ladies who have graced my life with their presence, i have a little topic i would like to talk about today.

This actually has two sides, this little coin i am talking about. Let us start with the female half of this equation. We have been hearing a lot of this from some of the patrons at faire and i have had this conversation with about three female friends lately in dealing with several overly zealous suitors that start moving into the realm of stalker-esq. Many, many times, you ladies out there will tell us fellows that you want to be "friends." We all know that is really not what that statement means. Most of the time what that means is that you really do not want us around anymore and would rather be left alone. When we try to actually be your friend, it is just awkward and weird for everybody involved. I understand the human emotion, most of the time, if you are a decent person, part of you will convince yourself that you actually would like to be friends. Most of the time though, i think that you can not get over thinking that we secretly pine for you and are somehow hurt by the loss of you in our lives. It is really OK. Stop using that word to soften the blow, it really does not help and if you really are just interested in moving on to a life that does not include us in it, just say you are not interested. It is much easier, and also really is less painful. For most guys, when a woman says she wants to "just be friends" it is actually kind of insulting because we know what it really means.

If it is a rare occasion where you do like the person and are just not interested in a romantic way but you would like to keep up the friendship, you have to make some effort. Men make an entirely different level of effort for ladies we are actually courting than we do when it is someone we are just buddies with. We also really believe that you saying you want to just be friends means that you do not like us anymore (we are fragile creatures and it is easy to damage our egos.) So, if you really want to be buddies, just say hi, don't feel weird and actually treat us like a friend. If the fellow is a good well adjusted man, you may actually get a really decent friendship out of the situation.

Anyway, moving on, because really, in the scope of things, the "friend" thing by women is not a big deal. We all get over it and move on. A bigger thing that i have noticed that actually can become problematic is the way a lot of men deal with being friended by a lady or finding out that they are not interested. This is what i was talking to my lady friends about and it can become a big issue.

The advice i gave to one of them, and this is solid from a self-defense instructor stand point, in response to a man who would not stop texting or happening by was to send the following text messages (this was also after about a month of the man not taking the hint and getting a little creepy):

1. "Look, i am really not interested so please stop texting me." A normal guy may even respond to this, when we get interested we can be persistent and will try and save the situation with something like, "But why, i thought we had so much in common and have been having a good time?"

2. In response to that kind of text which is not really creepy or scary at this point, it is just a guy who is trying to date you you can say the following, "Look i asked you to stop texting, i am getting a little creeped out right now so please stop."

If the fellow does respond to this one with anything more than an "I'm sorry" and no further texting, you know it is a little bit into the realm of stalker-esq. Most decent guys will feel really bad if they feel they are creeping you out and will then leave you alone. Any other begging kind of text or email that starts to sound angry can be responded to in the following way...

3. "Look, i have told you to stop texting me now at least twice. I am going to contact authorities if you write back. Please no apologies or anything just leave me alone."

Save these texts as well because if it ever gets to the point where you need them for legal purposes you have a record of actually asking this person to stop with the contact. Keep in mind, these are probably not the first texts or messages you want to give a normal guy who likes you, but after you start getting that vibe that it is getting a little bit uncomfortable.

I think we do an awful thing in our society where we make women feel bad for hurting our feelings so you try and be really nice to people you are not interested in. No one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable. Just be up front and honest with people, do not feel you have to sugar coat things to make someone feel good. I have done that all my life and it has caused more pain than it has alleviated.

Anyway, the real meat of this is for the fellows. What is our response when a woman rejects us? As i said before we can be fragile creatures. When we are really interested in a woman what are the reasons? What are the reasons we tell ourselves? She is pretty. She makes you laugh. She has similar interests. Whatever the reasons, when we are in courting mode we put ladies on a pedestal. Here is the hard question: Do you really like this person, or do you like her if she is going to be with you? Here is what i mean, one of my friends stalkers told her how much she made him laugh and that they had so much in common, but then she told him that she was not interested. The next words out of his mouth after he finally accepted the fact were, "You Bitch! You are so mean, i can't believe i ever liked you!" He never really liked her in the first place. What he liked was the idea of her with him and probably the two of them having sex.

We would all be well served to get to a place of unconditional caring about people. All of the things that you like about someone are still the same whether or not they like you back, and if you really like that person it should be regardless of whether those feelings are reciprocated. We have all been on the opposite side of that equation. There have been people who have been interested in us and we were just not feeling it for whatever reason. They are not bad people just because we do not like them. In the same way, i am not a bad person if some woman does not like me because i have a crush on them. If you find yourself feeling angry because a lady rejects you and you start saying angry things about her or speaking badly of her to others, then i hate to tell you gentlemen, but you are that creepy stalker guy. Now if this statement makes you mad, that is actually more proof that you indeed may be creepy stalker guy. You are the guy that makes the woman feel creeped out. It is all about your ego and your self-esteem. You also have to realize, that as long as you are like that, you really do not deserve to get the girl. The real thing to do, if you find yourself in this situation, "Oh my god! I am creepy stalker guy!" is to find out what it is about yourself that you do not like. Probably the ideal of a person is helping you to fill avoid that you have not been able to fill yourself. If you are not happy with yourself, no person you are dating is going to be the magic bullet to happiness.

Any way, this has been a long and rambling tirade and i hope it makes sense. I have just had many friends of mine of the female persuasion over the years that have found themselves in this situation and it would be great to not see them go through that fear or worry. So anyway, i hope you are all awesome and finding what you are looking for. Remember ladies, don't friend guys unless you mean it and guys, for gods' sakes, don't be that creepy stalker guy.

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