Let's be "friends"

John Williams and i have been giving out a lot of relationship advice lately. I know, many of my ex's are saying, "What in the Hell makes you think you are qualified to be doing this?" So true, i am not in any way claiming i have been able to apply any of this advice to my life. But it is very clear when looking at what is going on with other people to understand what is going on with them, and many people have benefitted greatly from what we have had to put out there. That being said and with all apologies to those awesome ladies who have graced my life with their presence, i have a little topic i would like to talk about today.

This actually has two sides, this little coin i am talking about. Let us start with the female half of this equation. We have been hearing a lot of this from some of the patrons at faire and i have had this conversation with about three female friends lately in dealing with several overly zealous suitors that start moving into the realm of stalker-esq. Many, many times, you ladies out there will tell us fellows that you want to be "friends." We all know that is really not what that statement means. Most of the time what that means is that you really do not want us around anymore and would rather be left alone. When we try to actually be your friend, it is just awkward and weird for everybody involved. I understand the human emotion, most of the time, if you are a decent person, part of you will convince yourself that you actually would like to be friends. Most of the time though, i think that you can not get over thinking that we secretly pine for you and are somehow hurt by the loss of you in our lives. It is really OK. Stop using that word to soften the blow, it really does not help and if you really are just interested in moving on to a life that does not include us in it, just say you are not interested. It is much easier, and also really is less painful. For most guys, when a woman says she wants to "just be friends" it is actually kind of insulting because we know what it really means.

If it is a rare occasion where you do like the person and are just not interested in a romantic way but you would like to keep up the friendship, you have to make some effort. Men make an entirely different level of effort for ladies we are actually courting than we do when it is someone we are just buddies with. We also really believe that you saying you want to just be friends means that you do not like us anymore (we are fragile creatures and it is easy to damage our egos.) So, if you really want to be buddies, just say hi, don't feel weird and actually treat us like a friend. If the fellow is a good well adjusted man, you may actually get a really decent friendship out of the situation.

Anyway, moving on, because really, in the scope of things, the "friend" thing by women is not a big deal. We all get over it and move on. A bigger thing that i have noticed that actually can become problematic is the way a lot of men deal with being friended by a lady or finding out that they are not interested. This is what i was talking to my lady friends about and it can become a big issue.

The advice i gave to one of them, and this is solid from a self-defense instructor stand point, in response to a man who would not stop texting or happening by was to send the following text messages (this was also after about a month of the man not taking the hint and getting a little creepy):

1. "Look, i am really not interested so please stop texting me." A normal guy may even respond to this, when we get interested we can be persistent and will try and save the situation with something like, "But why, i thought we had so much in common and have been having a good time?"

2. In response to that kind of text which is not really creepy or scary at this point, it is just a guy who is trying to date you you can say the following, "Look i asked you to stop texting, i am getting a little creeped out right now so please stop."

If the fellow does respond to this one with anything more than an "I'm sorry" and no further texting, you know it is a little bit into the realm of stalker-esq. Most decent guys will feel really bad if they feel they are creeping you out and will then leave you alone. Any other begging kind of text or email that starts to sound angry can be responded to in the following way...

3. "Look, i have told you to stop texting me now at least twice. I am going to contact authorities if you write back. Please no apologies or anything just leave me alone."

Save these texts as well because if it ever gets to the point where you need them for legal purposes you have a record of actually asking this person to stop with the contact. Keep in mind, these are probably not the first texts or messages you want to give a normal guy who likes you, but after you start getting that vibe that it is getting a little bit uncomfortable.

I think we do an awful thing in our society where we make women feel bad for hurting our feelings so you try and be really nice to people you are not interested in. No one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable. Just be up front and honest with people, do not feel you have to sugar coat things to make someone feel good. I have done that all my life and it has caused more pain than it has alleviated.

Anyway, the real meat of this is for the fellows. What is our response when a woman rejects us? As i said before we can be fragile creatures. When we are really interested in a woman what are the reasons? What are the reasons we tell ourselves? She is pretty. She makes you laugh. She has similar interests. Whatever the reasons, when we are in courting mode we put ladies on a pedestal. Here is the hard question: Do you really like this person, or do you like her if she is going to be with you? Here is what i mean, one of my friends stalkers told her how much she made him laugh and that they had so much in common, but then she told him that she was not interested. The next words out of his mouth after he finally accepted the fact were, "You Bitch! You are so mean, i can't believe i ever liked you!" He never really liked her in the first place. What he liked was the idea of her with him and probably the two of them having sex.

We would all be well served to get to a place of unconditional caring about people. All of the things that you like about someone are still the same whether or not they like you back, and if you really like that person it should be regardless of whether those feelings are reciprocated. We have all been on the opposite side of that equation. There have been people who have been interested in us and we were just not feeling it for whatever reason. They are not bad people just because we do not like them. In the same way, i am not a bad person if some woman does not like me because i have a crush on them. If you find yourself feeling angry because a lady rejects you and you start saying angry things about her or speaking badly of her to others, then i hate to tell you gentlemen, but you are that creepy stalker guy. Now if this statement makes you mad, that is actually more proof that you indeed may be creepy stalker guy. You are the guy that makes the woman feel creeped out. It is all about your ego and your self-esteem. You also have to realize, that as long as you are like that, you really do not deserve to get the girl. The real thing to do, if you find yourself in this situation, "Oh my god! I am creepy stalker guy!" is to find out what it is about yourself that you do not like. Probably the ideal of a person is helping you to fill avoid that you have not been able to fill yourself. If you are not happy with yourself, no person you are dating is going to be the magic bullet to happiness.

Any way, this has been a long and rambling tirade and i hope it makes sense. I have just had many friends of mine of the female persuasion over the years that have found themselves in this situation and it would be great to not see them go through that fear or worry. So anyway, i hope you are all awesome and finding what you are looking for. Remember ladies, don't friend guys unless you mean it and guys, for gods' sakes, don't be that creepy stalker guy.

Recapitulation

I have started a crazy task. Got the idea from reading Carlos Castaneda. He called it recapitulation. You know when they say that your whole life flashes before your eyes when you die. Well, it is like doing that but before and without the whole dying thing, at least for some time we hope. Anyone who comes into my room right now will probably think i am a bit of a lunatic and have gone off the deep end. I guess i have in a lot of ways. There is, for example a seventy five foot long time line of my life wrapped around the walls. It is powerful and heavy stuff. Very emotional and draining.

The idea is to see patterns, for me it is especially with relationships. I have never been able to figure out exactly what i am looking for in relationships and it has left a lot of people hurting in my wake. I do not want to do that anymore. I am more tired of it than anyone and it is really time to move on. I am fortunate that i have about twenty years worth of journals, written in almost every day so it is slightly easier for me to get into the mindset of what i was thinking and relive those experiences.

There are definitely patterns, patterns that make me not very happy with myself. I have done many of the same things over and over again. It is time to figure out why, look at them, boldly and honestly and see what the hell is going on and really dig into what it is that drives me to these things. I feel that any time i have been in a relationship i have been looking for a way out, and when i am not in a relationship i am looking for a way in. I do not know if this is because i like the thrill of the chase, am a new relationship addict, am a polyamourist, or just a player douche bag. I do not think it is the last, because i do genuinely become devastated at the idea or action of seeing my actions hurt anyone.

When i look back at my past relationships and just what i was writing about through my journals, i see two different people. One of them is this person who has a pretty good idea of himself in the world, of a relationship with the universe and the earth and a pretty well thought out philosophy that served him well. The other is a guy i want to smack in the face. Early in college i would be talking about how much i really liked at least three different people and then get mad because girls always go for the jerk guy and not nice guys like me. I can not believe that i did not see the irony of that as i was writing about. By the way, the talk of three people at once was all in one days' entry. This has been the area that has always been the Achilles heel for me. It is time to do something about it.

I know this is really hard for Bethany right now. I need to work my way through this before i will ever have a successful relationship that will stand the test of time. I could do like i always do and pretend it is not a problem, but that would not solve anything. Even though it is hard now, she deserves to know whatever it is that i find out about myself. There has never been anyone before who has made me stare this thing in the face. That is how amazing she is. I am very thankful that she is in my life. She saved me once before from a life that i was really not enjoying and i think that she i going to save me again, because i think this time i am going to come to grips with whatever is going on inside my head. If i do, i will owe that to her and the amazing person that she is.

Carpe Diem

We need to stop as a people doing things, "after this other thing is over." For years and years i have been going to do things, after the PA Ren Faire season. It is so easy for things and year to fly by that way. I have so many people tell me they are coming to my martial arts class after something else happens. I will do it after the New Year, after this project at work gets done, etc. Later. When i get around to it.

If you want to do something, you need to start it now. There is no time to waste. Carlos Castaneda talked about warriors. Warriors are those who realize that their death is waiting by their left shoulder to tag them. When Death tags you,that is it. The warrior has to act because the warrior realizes that each action may be the last battle we get on earth. If you have something you have been wanting to get started, do it. No excuses. Especially when it comes to things like quitting smoking, working out, praying, etc. Any thing that will improve the quality of your life will not start improving your life until you start doing it.

I think i first realized this about playing D&D with my friends. We always say we want to get a game going and at one point i realize we have been saying that since the 2000 faire season. Finally i just started a game.

Watch Dead Poets' Society too. A lot of insight there. We are ultimately food for worms and to me that seems very liberating. It is like the Sioux blessing, "Hoka Hey." It means "it is a good day to die." You look at life and say thank you for what you have and realize each moment is a blessing. Can you look at today and honestly say that if you died today you would be happy with your last battle on earth. The question, "What would you do if you had only one year to live?" or a day or a week or a month is a BS question. We may, each and every one of us only have that long. I might walk out of my house today and get hit by a bus. We need to live every day as if it is the last day we are going to have because it might be. Live each day infinitely. Be ready for your death to touch on the shoulder and understand and live each moment as if it may be your last act in this lifetime.

What i am really saying is, hey all of you that keep saying you want to come to class, come to class. Suck the marrow out of life and do something. We are all busy but today is the day. Today is really the only day. We live in an evolving present moment. See you at class... i won't get my hopes up, but i do hope you come.

"I'll do it tomorrow." ~Rocky Balboa
"There is no tomorrow! There is no tomorrow!!!" ~Apollo Creed

To do when i grow up...

That is a good question. Realizing in the past couple of weeks that i really am not set in what it is that i want to do with my life. This could be a terrifying thing, if i participated in stuff like age and caring about what politicians and the Norm told me i am supposed to do. But, i actually find it pretty liberating. I remember at a meeting at the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire with Kate Ramsey when i was in the pro cast, we were supposed to come up with our goals for the season. I told her that i do not really do that, i tend to be in the moment. I am proud of her that she accepted that and remarked on how that was how i work and that she thought it was OK. Most people in her position could find that uncomforting but she rolled with it.

I feel like we as a people in our culture are never comfortable with being where we are. Everything is based on perpetual growth. If the economy is not growing we freak out. Where does this all end? If we grow forever we eventually eat the planet. Maybe we need to sit back and stop making so many goals, start embracing the moment a little bit and being happy where we are.

I am still mostly a taoist i think.

The Verge, Part II

So major life realizations happen sometimes. Periodically the clouds clear away from the face of Eternity and you see and understand. Often times, it is brief. That is how it has been for all of those times i have stood on the edge of enlightenment, eventually the clouds return before full realization sets in. I have had a big one in the past couple of weeks.

I have always had a hard time with relationships and have never really figured out why. I get so swept away and then eventually get to where i need to move on and escape. That could be just a male fear of commitment thing and i think that has a little bit to do with it, but it is more than that and i had a big flash of insight the other day as i was getting in the shower.

I have always described how i feel in relationships thus: i feel that there is something calling to me, just below my level of conscious awareness, a nagging feeling that i need to be doing something in my life. Is it a destiny or fate? I am not certain. The early parts of a relationship always make that voice shut up for a little while. The relationship becomes this awesome all consuming thing. After awhile though, when you get past the initial stages, the little voice from out of the wilderness begins to nag again. "Hey buddy, me again, let's get back to work on this other thing you can't really describe." Usually at that point, i will shortly be gone.

The realization that i had the other day was this: My relationships are not the most important thing in my life. Being with someone, by itself, is not going to give me meaning and happiness in my life. This sounds very simple but it explained so much for me. I think there are people who can have their relationships be the only center of their lives, but i can not. The spiritual quest for me, my martial arts training, finding ways to help the world around me, these are the things that make me happy and make up who i am as a person. Without those things, i can not be happy in a relationship with someone or without.

I think what sort of happens is that in the beginning i put all of my attention on the person i am with. After awhile when some comfort sets in, i start working on those other things. The level of attention drops somewhat from what my partner has come to expect in the beginning. This is not because there is a problem, but it is noticeable and can come across as a problem to the person i am with. I try to reassure them and at first it is really OK. They still feel the difference though and continue to ask. I continue to try and convince them all is well and after awhile i start to get to feel slightly trapped. The issues with the relationship, which were mild in the beginning gradually begin to take up more and more of the time and effort of the relationship until i feel like the relationship is consuming everything. I also have a hard time talking about it all the time.

This is a cycle caused by my issues that has caused most of the relationships i have been in to end. I have been with a lot of amazing people, very few of them would ever want me to give up who i am. I feel that knowing this is a giant weight off my shoulders because it really explains so much of the things that give me stress in a relationship. I also feel it gives me an ability to understand and explain what is going on with me and not just feel guilty about it.

This being said, i do need to figure out what exactly it is that i should be doing. Sometimes people who preach talk about having "the Call." I feel like there is a Call for me to do something. I saw a friend in PA on the weekend who told me i looked exactly like i did when she came to the faire in high school in 1998. In many ways, i really feel like i have conquered the age thing (that is for another blog) and now i need to figure out what i am going to do with that power.

I feel i am still on the verge, the verge of a next evolution for me, one that could be amazing for myself and those around me. Just have to avoid getting complacent and really work it out.

The Verge

There have been several times in my life where i have really felt like i was on the verge of something. This is one of those times. Everything seems like it is so close to falling into place. Everything is just on the edge of making total sense. I am not sure what to call this state.

I believed in enlightenment for a long time. Still do believe there is a vista that the likes of Jesus and the Buddha, Lao Tzu and others witnessed that does exist. I know it has something to do with the blowing out of the ego and stepping out of the grasp of time. First person perspective becomes different in my estimation. There are times when i have opened my mouth and the universe did the talking.

This is one of those times. I feel close to the Holy Darkness where God is. By God i mean the divinity of everything. The union of self in the the surround.

Every time i have come close to this place, eventually it fades. Something pulls me back to my ego and my karma. In the long arc of my life, and the life of the universe, that does not really matters. Every moment that i have stood here in the presence of elder things, is eternal and those moments are lifted up to divinity in beauty. It is these moments of Eternity that define our lives.

World Views

There are some fundamental and core beliefs that every people and society holds. They are deeper than our religious beliefs that we cling to and fight wars over. History, like i wrote about in my last blog is one of those things for most peoples of the world. Time is another. They are kin. I have found out that birthdays are something that is fundamental and unshakable to most people in our culture since i gave them up. People get violent and angry about it when i tell them i have no birthday. These core beliefs are so fundamental that trying to shake them rocks people a little bit. At first they think you are crazy but if it starts to sink in that you are not joking, often times they will fight to keep the belief intact. Rocking the foundation can be psychologically difficult. It is like the situation some people get into after experiencing an earthquake. The ground below our feet is not supposed to move fluidly like water and when it does sometimes people need therapy.

When Europe crashed into North America we could see two world views with fundamentally different foundations clashing. Many problems that happened in European dealings with the aboriginal population was because the two groups were operating on a completely different paradigm and neither side had the tools to communicate with the other.

There was an example of this that my professor Clavin Martin witnessed at a council in Alaska. There was a conference about a scientific plan to help preserve and increase the moose population and many Yupik elders were there. After presenting the plan the biologists invited Paul John, a native elder to speak. He spoke in a hushed tone, nearly whispering and said, "We think this is a good plan but we should speak of it quietly. We know from experience that the moose listen to us and if they hear this plan and do not like it, they will leave." The room was silent for a moment and then, the biologists went on as if nothing was said. From our world view, what Paul John said could not be heard. We do not have the apparatus to function in a world view where moose are listening in on our conversations.

Neither world view is right. They are different. Carlos Castaneda was taught to be a sorcerer, and in order for that to work, he had to enter into a new world view where Coyotes could talk and his mentor could turn into a raven. That is crazy in our world of reason and when we are in it, we can not be a sorcerer. That does not mean that the world view of the shaman is not real, it is just different.

I am digressing though. The real thing i want to get at here is that we have some core ideas functioning that shape everything we do in our daily lives and we do not even usually begin to think that they can be questioned. The birthday thing is an example. Most people can not begin to believe that i honestly think that i do not have a birthday. They think it is cute and a little eccentric but even after i have explained that it is a deeply held philosophical belief i have been working on a long time, they will still often come back with, "But really when is your birthday?" Yes, i was born, but it is the measurement of the passage of the years that i think is artificial and very Western.

That chart that i have at the beginning of this blog is one i would put on the board when i used to teach about the difference between European and Native American world views. I remember one day after class sitting there and looking at the chart and realizing that everything on the Native side was actually all the same. Self, place and time are not separate in a hunting and gathering world view. The whole chart itself was very European of me. I am a product of this world view as well and did not even realize it. We love to measure stuff in our culture. How many acres do you have brother? A Sioux horseman on the plains could not possibly think of one acre as the same as any other. Each piece of dirt has its own character as surely as you and i do. Borders are more fluid in a world view where you live in intimate connection with the Surround.

It is good to blow free air around these core beliefs and shed the light of day on them sometimes. In phenomenology they would bracket things. For example, [the sun is just a ball of gas in the center of our solar system.] Bracketing is a way to take a look at what is said. You notice in this statement the word [just]. That changes a lot. The sun IS indeed a ball of gas or plasma in the center of our solar system but it is so much more. It is what all life on this planet is made of, it is the prerequisite for sanity to some people in the northern or southern polar regions at those times of year when Brother Sun disappears for months at a time. To me it seems better to do away with that word [just] in most circumstances. As we live in the universe, things are never really just anything.

We all also have some personal assumptions that are so fundamental that they shape our lives and we probably do not even remember them or know that they shape everything we do. Some promise we made as a child or broken hearted teenager that shapes everything that comes after. Maybe as a boy your father did not show up for the big game and you promised yourself, "i will never trust anyone again." Are there things like that that have ruined every later relationship we have ever had?

Finding these fundamentals can be a big step toward health and i am not saying they all need to go. Some probably do, i vote on getting rid of all of our Cartesian thinking as a first step to health as a people but that is probably another blog. Some of these fundamentals are probably healthy, but knowing that they are there can never hurt. They are often hard to find because they run in the deeps of our subconscious most of the time. I feel lucky to have wound up in the classes and experiences that i had. These ideas are not only mine but those who tread these grounds before me. I feel that i have learned a lot about myself and my people, my place in the universe by being a seeker of knowledge and trying to deeply look at what i think.